Shoot 'Em Up

I'm a victim of my own hyped up expectations. For whatever reason, I have psyched myself up for movie after movie to the point where there was no way the movie could have been as good as I feel ready for it to be. Transformers is a great recent example. I'm not big into the whole Transformers... deal. I didn't play with the toys, I didn't cream for the cartoon when I was little. In all honesty, I just thought the concept was pretty... hokey. And by pretty hokey, I mean really hokey. I just couldn't do it. But then the idea for a live-action Transformers explodes onto the scene and Michael Bay is slated to direct. I hate Michael Bay. He is an unoriginal schmuck in love with explosions and unbelievably ridiculous, but well executed, action action action. This is the perfect film for him. Perfect. The only reason for making a live-action Transformers movie would be to take the hokey cartoon characters and make it baaaad ass. And it could have been. It should have been. And I was ready to see cool shit blow up.

Shit blew up. But there were also lame attempts at both character development and tongue-and-cheek slapstick sequences featuring the Auto-Bots themselves. What? The fuck?

That's not a Michael Bay movie. And the one time I'm excited for a Michael Bay movie he sticks a fork in my pooper. Metaphorically speaking.

Anyways, my point here is -- I might have been able to enjoy it if I hadn't already decided what it was supposed to be. Enough people like it, so it's obviously fun enough.

I just... screwed any chance of liking it for myself.

So! Funny story! Same thing happened with Shoot 'Em Up!

It's a perfect idea, really. It's an action movie spoof. Celebrating ridiculousness and cheesy dialogue. Glorifying plot holes and unbelievable violence. And when I heard about the opening scene where Clive Owen delivers a baby in a warehouse while in the middle of a shoot out with an endless stream of baddies, I was instantly pumped. This isn't just cheap silliness, this is clever goofiness. Clive Owen is the guy who would be and is cast in these kinds of movies. He is a bad ass. Paul Giamatti can do anything. And Monica Bellucci is a babe. So the cast is a thumbs up, too.

Now, writer/director Michael Davis didn't take a good idea and puke all over it ala Mr. Bay, he just didn't realize it's full potential. Or perhaps he was just a victim of a poor budget. Or maybe he ran into a lot of other pot holes. Or maybe he was just lazy. It was a fun movie that should have been amazing. It could have been amazing. It showed glimpses of amazingness. But it never got there.

First of all, the concept alone an endless bowl of good times. There is no limit to ridiculousness. Ridiculousness is limitless. And the writing itself is reeeally really clever. There are sequences of puuure genius. I would list them, but I'm lazy. Trust me. Juuuust trust me.

The problem the film had was in how it was presented. The camera work and editing was just... lame. The production value was bland. It was hokey and uninvolved. Which maybe...? Was the point...? But that leads me to a problem.

You can't really spoof the action genre. You just... can't do it. In a sense, action films are spoofs in and of themselves. They're explosive exaggerations of some anti-reality, and while the good ones sell you this ploy, convince you to suspend your disbelief and gawk and cheer, they're still unspoofable. If you're going to try and simply spoof an action movie, you're going to make a bad action movie, and that's just boring and uninventive.

You just can't just spoof 'em. Spoof 'em up, if you will. LIKE THAT?

Shoot 'Em Up is not a bad action movie. It latches on to the ridiculousness. It's not about plot structure and character development, but about making people say and do crazy shit. Maybe it exploits bad action movies, but it is not one of them. But it's not... a good one either.

The way to sell an action movie like this is to make it flashy and ridiculous. Take Hot Fuzz for example. An amazing parody/homage that thrives because it is genuinely funny (Hilarious, even?) on it's own, crafty, quick, solid, and a damn good buddy cop action flick. I know Shoot 'Em Up and Hot Fuzz are not one in the same, and they are not aiming for the same thing, but my point still stands. Hot Fuzz works because it is a great movie on it's own. Just like Shaun of the Dead. SotD stands above other zombie movie parodies and comedies because it's a really good zombie movie.

There were a lot of times Shoot 'Em Up was just boring. And while I could smile and nod at some of the clever ideas, they just never kept me too involved outside of that. And there are plenty ways to be flashy and hokey at the same time. It was just bland and uninvested.

So... that... was a bummer...

Can't find a way to... end... this...

... the end...